Shorter than a dwarf, taller than a hobbit
by CooKie-Chaan
Summary: Girl from our world story. 20 year old Cookie, she's a slight crazy, chubbylicious woman who's tough and will fight to get what she want, which is to go home. but to do that she need to blend in and go with the flow, but the fact that she has piercings, tattoos and purple hair, she's kinda F*cked with the low profile plan. Rated M because ya never know (and maybe some lemon later )
1. Chapter 1: Let's go to Narnia

_Hi guy's so this is my first attempt at a Hobbit Fan-fiction, so i would love to hear what you think of the first chapter. Should i continue the story or nah?_

 **I do not own any of the characters or the Hobbit (just my OC and AU plotline) those belong to the amazing Tolkien.**

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''How the hell can a DWARF be taller than me?!'' screamed the young frustrated woman on the phone. '' I mean come on Yojo, it's not fucking fair!''

'' Oh would you stop being so dramatic Cookie, you're at least taller than a hobbit.'' Said the girl called Yojo on the other line. Cookie huffed and frowned. '' And stop frowning, you'll be even uglier then you already are!''

Cookie looked around her to make sure that; she was indeed alone in her room. She could hear Yojo on the phone laughing at her'' If you think I'm hiding in your room, than you're dumber than I thought?''

Cookie blushed.

'' HEY, shut it, I'm freaking fabulous and you know it!'' The girl screamed then said in a calmer tone'' And yes I AM dumber than you first thought.''

There was a slight pause before Cookie heard a snort.

''Ya know Cookie, you're a fucking retard.'' Yojo said in a serious voice.

Cookie sighed and made her way to the window and grinned.

''Did you figure that out just now? Or has that been on mind for a long time sugar tits?''

''Fuck you man, just fuck you.'' The other girl said.

Cookie giggled '' Yes please my sweet curry lover'' Cookie stretched and sat down at the loveseat below the window. ''no but seriously I got to go now. It's bed time for this bitch.''

The two girls said there goodnights and hung up. Cookie looked at the clock ''01:30, no wonder I'm shitface.''

As soon as she said that there was a huge boom. Cookie spun her head around and looked out. It was raining and she saw a bright light in the distance and as far as Cookie could see this was not the lightning playing tricks on her mind. No it looked like normal light, almost like the light from a window far off in the distance. Now this made the girl go from tired to wide awake. Why, you might ask. Because she lived in the woods alone and the closest neighbor was half an hour away, by car. But as we concluded earlier this woman was NOT a genius, so she got dressed and walked out the door to find this mysterious light.

After five minutes of walking, she was soaked and tired. She had almost forgotten why she was out roaming the woods.

'' oh woopiedoo I wanna be like you~, a freaking tree.'' Cookie sang as she for the third time walked right into a twig in the dark forest, she just had to forget the flashlight. Just as she was trying to get the remains of the baby twig out of her hair she stumbled and fell down a hill she didn't even know existed, was it there the last time she roamed these woods? As she came to a halt she groaned. It wasn't dark, the rain had stopped and the moon shined bright. But Cookie was not happy; she had cuts, bruises and mud allover her face and cloth.

'' why am I still alive?'' she grunted with a hint of sarcasm as her sore body was trying to stand. But as she was halfway up on her legs she halted. Right in front of her face was a door; she bolted upright and just stared at this weird round looking object. It was just a door, nothing else. No house or anything, JUST a door. Cookie was a little freaked out at this point, she could hear laughter and signing behind it and it seemed as light was coming from the little crack under it, now normal girls would just walk away , or at least look behind it .

'' Fuck this shit, I'm going to Narnia.''

Cookie kicked the door open, walked in and shut it. What she saw was a hallway and as she looked further into the hallway she saw THEM, the wizard, the hobbit and 12 of the dwarfs. The laughter had now stopped and the singing had ended, 14 heads were turned and were looking at her in shock.

''Oh great, another companion of yours I suppose, hmm?'' The hobbit asked irritated.

Mumbles of; never seen a lass like that before. Or; Well I don't know her do you? Where said and asked among the dwarfs.

Gandalf chuckled.

''She has been expected'' The old man said to the dwarfs, who fell silent. He then turned to Cookie.'' But I was not expecting you to come so soon dear one.''

Cookie started laughing, saluted and turned around.

''You finally did it girl, you've gone looney.'' still laughing she turned the handle and opened the door. But as she did so she was not met by the forest like she had expected, no she was met by the dwarf king himself. Cookie saw that he had not expected her to open the door because his hand was raised, like was just about to knock on it.

''Well fuck me and call me Pikachu, the drama queen has arrived.'' With that said she blacked out.

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 **Okay so that was the first chapter , not long i know but if you guy's want i'll make the second chapter longer. :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Well fuck you then

**Yay second chapter up!**

 **But seriously don't get used to it being uploaded so fast, I've just been bored soo xD yeah**

 **And as promised this chapter is longer (little longer Q_Q i try to please ya'll)**

 **And as always when I write, I have my AWESOME~(not really) Playlist on Spotify playing in the background. Now if you wanna listen to the songs that i did when i wrote this, all you have to do is search on: Jar of Dirt by cookie_almighty ;) and there you have it.**

 **NOW please enjoy this chapter and have a great day/night (whatever floats you boat) dearest fellow human(or llama idonno)**

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' _Ugh. My head and throat hurt, it feels like I've been licking the Sahara desert while a flock of camels freaking breakdanced on me. What happened? Did I fall out the bed again or something?'_ Cookie thought as she started to wake up.

''Do you think she's going to wake up soon?'' she heard a deep voice ask.

' _Who was that? .. .. .. GOD?! IS THAT YOU?!'_ With lightning speed Cookie sprung up, only to collide head first with something or rather someone.

''AHRG COME OOON! Man that fucking hurt's!'' she whined as she rubbed the sore spot on her head. Cookie heard groaning of pain, she opened her eyes to glare at the person who had invaded her personal space and caused her pain. But as she did so she froze and just stared at the scene that was laid out in front of her.

There right in front of her was Thorin Oakenshield, rubbing his now sore forehead.

Now at situations like this Cookie tend to be extremely calm and collected.

''What. The. Actual. Fuck?''

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''So whad youed saying is dhad,*swallow* I have been transported here, through a portal that you've made.'' Cookie said as she took another bite of the bread Bilbo had offered her.

'' Yes'' Gandalf smiled and raised a brow at the young woman sitting next to him. ''And I have already prepared the equipment that you'll need on this journey included your sword.''

Cookie looked at the wizard. ''You're insane old man, I don't wanna go, I'll be dragon food. And it's called a katana.''

Bilbo looked up in panic as he was reading the contract ''dragon?'' Bofur then started explaining what a dragon was like.

Thorin slammed his drink down.

''I must agree with the woman, we, cannot reclaim the mountain if we have to look after both the burglar AND the woman. They are too fragile.''

Cookie who had enjoyed listening to Bofur and the amusing faces Bilbo were making, snapped her head towards Thorin.

''You imbecile, are you calling me weak?! I hope you get fingered by Wolverine'' Cookie glared and moved her fingers in a rather amusing way at Thorin .

Thorin glared back at the woman, who had by now, dropped the long forgotten bread, gotten up and were making her way towards the now white looking hobbit.

''Think furnace with wings.'' Bofur said. Cookie stopped in her tracks and looked at Bofur then at the hobbit.

Bilbo looked like he was gonna be sick.'' I-i-i need air.'' He said.

"Flashing light, searing pain... then ...POOF! You're nothing more than a pile of ash!"

The hobbit straightened up, looked at Bofur. ''no'' he said and dropped to the floor.

Cookie giggled and snatched the contract from Bilbo's hands as he lay passed out on the floor.

As she got back to her seat, she scanned the paper.

''Were do I sign this fucking paper?'' she said in a much frustrated tone.

Thorin sighed and made his way to her, pointed out where she needed to sign but stopped her midway.

'' I will not be responsible for your safety.''

Cookie looked up at Thorin and wrinkled her face in disgust. '' Who the hell asked you to?'' with that said she signed the contract.'' Now if you'll excuse me I need to take a leak….. Where's the toilet?'' Bilbo who had by now woken up and sat in an armchair, pointed down a corridor and gave directions.

As she made her way down the corridor she could hear the dwarfs arguing about her signature. She stopped and listened.

' _Are they seriously arguing about what my name is?'_ She sniggered. Some said Dootie, and some said Gooie.

' _The hell? Dootie and Gooie….. Seriously, I don't write that badly! ''_ She thought.

''No, you can clearly see that it says; Cookie. Rose. Teéhall '' A soft voice said. Then she heard Gandalf's voice, confirming that yes that was indeed her name.

Cookie wiped away a fake tear. _'Thank you sweet Ori and damn you hippie parents for naming me like a retard. '_ But she was soon pulled out of her thoughts, with the feeling of almost-.

''fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuck.''

' _I'M LEAKING!_ ' She screamed in her head. She quickly went into the narrow room that contained a toilet and a small sink; she did her deed with a satisfied smile. When she finished she washed her hands and sighed.

' _What have I gotten myself into? Sure I'm somewhat good with the katana, but what's gonna happen when I run into a warg?... … I want one!'_ she smirked to herself and looked up at the mirror that hung over the sink, she gave a light gasp and her blue eye's widened.

Her once short beautiful, shiny purple colored hair was now a bird's nest and dried muds covered some parts of her face and cloth.

' _Oh dear mother of GAAWD!'_

With other words, she looked fucked up. Cookie frowned and dumped her head in the sink for a quick wash when a light knock on the door that stopped her in her actions.

'' Come in~, its open.'' She sang in her best opera voice.

Bilbo's small face came into view

'' Ah, hello, Gandalf said you perhaps needed… a ….bath- … … ehem….. What on earth are you doing?'' Bilbo looked at cookie that had frozen on the spot, with her head upside down in the sink.

''bathing?'' She said trying to hold in her laughter. Bilbo shook his head with a faint smile and motioned her to follow him to the bathroom, which she quickly did. As they reached a door he gave her a bag he'd been carrying.

''Here, Gandalf wanted me to give it to you. He said it belonged to you, and that you will find everything you need in it.''

Cookie nodded and went into the bathroom with the bag.

After the bath, which she absolutely needed, because she had confirmed, she smelled like cow shit. She opened the bag and found, indeed, everything she would need. There were cloth and some other necessary things a woman could need.

When she was done changing she brushed through her hair and made her way back to the people.

As she got there Thorin and the other dwarfs were singing. Cookie sat down next to Bofur in the dark room on what she could only assume was a sofa. She listened to the men's deep singing and could feel goosebumps forming on her pale body, it almost felt like she was floating on a cloud. She was so tired. She looked at Bofur, then his lap and then back up to his face. Without thinking twice she laid her head down on his lap. Bofur looked down, shocked for a second, and then smiled.

''Are ye a little tired lass? ''He asked. Cookie nodded and said

''I hereby dub you Bofur, to Sir Pillow. May my head be with you.'' She said and closed her eyes to get some much required sleep. Bofur just laughed halfheartedly as he saw you drift into the land of dreams. He and the rest of the group followed soon after.

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 **AN: Lucky brat. i wanna rest my head on his lap =w=.**

 **oh and for her cloth just type in ''** **futuristic anime clothing for men'' and it's the first pic** **, but the shirt is forest green and the pants are dark brown. and the bag is almost the same except, she has more of a backpack xD( i know, i know. im lazy for just choosing a pic on google , but it's so pretty w '')**

 **anyway please review and tell me whatcha think,** **3**


	3. Message to all readers

Okey first I like to apologize to you my sweet readers for not updating but the thing is that I have had my lige throw upside down this past couple months.

First my grandpa got cancer and died in December 2015.

And then my glorious life decided that 'hey why not make her life more difficult than it already is' . ... Let's just say that everything came crashing down at the same time.

Now I live with my grandma, I have no job, no laptop (it broke down, but my neighbor can save it so no worries there) ...

Yeah my life sucks. But anyway the thing I wanted to say was that this story is not discontinued I will update as soon as my laptop is up and running again.

Soooo yeah . Oh and one of you asked if I even read the reviews... Well duh of course I do, I only got 8 of them. XD and just reading them make me feel like I'm in love with butterflies in my tummy,

peace out for now my lovely taco lovers. 33


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